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Speed Championship - Alternative Awards 2010


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As we end another season and our worthy winners add the words ‘Silver Polish’ to their Tesco’s shopping list, it is time to reflect on some of the other aspects of the season that truly deserve recognition and a special mention on Blatchat.


After much debate and extensive censorship we give you the Speed Championship Alternative Awards 2010:


The Best Egg and Bacon Roll 2010


The egg and bacon roll (aka breakfast bap) is the fundamental reason that many competitors travel for several hours to take part in a few minutes of motorsport. It is not the thrill of the competition against your fellow club members that drives you on – oh no, it is the blossoming of your taste buds on a cold, damp morning as you bite into your hot egg and bacon roll that makes you come back for more. In judging this category, points are scored for the freshness of the bread, the crispiness of the bacon and the dribble-factor of the egg yolk. The Alternative Awards committee completed extensive testing at all venues of the Championship and this year’s worthy winner is – Loton Park Hill Climb (Honourable mention – the Café at Llandow).




The Toilets with the Smallest Cubicles 2010


Those of us who normally struggle to get in and out of a Nomex Jump Suit will recognise the difficulty when trying to half-remove the suit in the confines of a toilet cubicle whilst also trying to stop the arms of your suit dangling on to the always-wet floor. One of the techniques adopted by the more mature and experienced sprinter is to trap the arms of your suit against the wall of the cubicle with your knees – in this situation a smaller cubicle can be a distinct advantage (think of an S3 cubicle vs an SV cubicle). The winner of this year’s award has excelled by managing to arrange 3 toilets, 3 urinals, 2 wash basins and a paper towel dispenser (empty) into a 6 ft by 8 ft caravan. Yes, this year’s winner is - Wiscombe Park.




The Marshal with the Biggest T*ts (Male or Female) 2010


Many competitors use the time queuing at the start line as an opportunity to focus their minds and mentally prepare for the ensuing competition. Some of the ‘also-rans’ in Class 4 use the opportunity to let their minds wander and take in some of the amazing sights that you often see clad in dayglow orange. It should be noted that this award is not based just on size – it’s awarded on a combination of attributes such as proportions, shape, posture, angle of presentation and, of course, sheer volume. For this year’s winner the Alternative Awards committee awarded additional points for the tremendous pendulum-like movements achieved whilst vigorously waving a red flag. This years’ winner is – Joan at Marshal Post 2 (Loton Park)


Note – after reviewing great quantities of photographic evidence from several Internet sources, the L7C Management Team have banned all carbon fibre ‘supports’ in this category for 2011. This is inline with the general trend to reduce costs in Motorsport.




Venue with the Most Sheep 2010


A special category that has generated much interest and discussion from the Welsh competitors in this year’s Championship. Although I personally struggle to understand the importance of this award, I have been informed that it has to consider more than simply the number of sheep on the side of the track: other factors that the judges consider as vitally important are - the fluffiness of their wool, how pretty they are and how fast they can run. Having closely observed a large number of sheep at this venue, the Alternative Awards committee have concluded that this year’s winner is – Epynt. (This year’s winner was also nominated in the category of ‘Venue with the Best Imitation German Town’ - but as there were no other nominations then the category was sadly cancelled – bit like Class 6).




Venue most in need of a Portaloo 2010


It is a well known fact that as one gets older then the bladder seems to loose its retaining capabilities – especially when combined with the excitement of a fast drive up a country hill. With so many Saga Seveners competing in this year’s championship, the Alternative Awards committee have considered where it would be best to site a club sponsored Portaloo (obviously to be painted in a traditional British Racing Green with a ‘go faster’ yellow stripe – maybe even some clams?). Many venues where considered to receive this prestigious award but this years winner is the venue with a four and a half mile return road that is crying out for a Portaloo or maybe a ‘Little Chef’. This year’s winner is – Epynt.





Yes, 2010 has been another great year and congratulations to all the above winners. I’m sure you have many other nominations and awards that deserve our recognition. Please post your own Alternative Awards below – but please nothing serious or inoffensive 😬


Lord Helpus

Chairman, Alternative Awards Committee



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This is a sad indictment:

'Some of the ‘also-rans’ in Class 4 use the opportunity to let their minds wander and take in some of the amazing sights that you often see clad in dayglow orange'.


Oh dear Class 4.Guys if you are able to make an assessment of Joan at Marshall Post two on the way round it could explain the 'also ran' status *biggrin*





Having fun with Custard

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😬Excellent suggestions for alternative awards.


However, Team Calvert would like to put forward an alternative nomination for the Best Bacon & Egg Roll award. Goodwood's excellent free range bacon and egg butties did it for us this year *smile*


Continuing with the theme of toilet facilities, should there perhaps be an award for the least convenient conveniences?. An absence of soap (and, on occasion, toilet roll) are certainly factors in the assessment of the "inconvenient" category, for which I would nominate MIRA 🙆🏻 😬





Drowned Rat Racing



Edited by - Tam on 18 Nov 2010 13:45:34

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Team Escargot would like to nominate - Time

Given timing is an important factor with the speedsters then perhaps consideration should be given to the efficiency in which times are relayed.


I would like to nominate two events:


Castle Combe

I like my fellow competitors were very impressed with what appeared to be a complete lack of understanding by the timekeepers that the times recorded were of some interest to the competitors.

Notwithstanding their lack of, timeliness, data collection ability using MS Excel, and a complete disregard for the environment (amount of paper used); the highlight was their inability to match the car numbers to the correct competitor resulting in some interesting recorded times (Team Escargot were leading at one point!). Nice people though: they always had a smile!


Loton Park

I was in France at the time so unable to compete. However, with internet access I was able to see recorded times as they happened (maybe even faster than the competitors did)– fantastic!


Nick (Pierre) Escargot *wavey*


Edited by - N Paul on 18 Nov 2010 17:32:51


Edited by - N Paul on 18 Nov 2010 17:34:57

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I'll not have a word said against MIRA, the "only true test of driver ability"

on the calendar. Just cos people got the fear from the 4 trickiest corners

in British Motorsport (or maybe had too much brie & bacon) and ended up using up

all the loo roll, doesn't justify any negative awards.


And for Castle Combe, after the initial shock, I quite enjoyed being Lynn Gilbert for the day 😳






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There is a rumour that Rodney is leaving class 4 as he feels far too young and can't get used to the 'hectic' pace including afternoon naps *redface* *redface*


Nothing wrong with a little siesta now and again 😬 😬


If only everything in life was as simple as a 7!!

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I couldn't attend the tech forum a few weeks ago, but for those who did was there any mention of 'brolly girls' for 2011?


I have long aspired to participate in a form of motorsport which has grid/brolly girls, as i get older i believe the extra support and assistance on the start line would be a welcome new addition.


I must point out that whilst some may view this as a shallow, politically uncorrect change to the regs, i am sure that any such change would be closely monitored and maintained by the management comitee.


It may also be wise to consider including provision for thermal underwear for Harewood and full length waterproofs for Curborough.


Edited by - skydragon on 20 Nov 2010 10:20:04

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Sorry – just woke up from an afternoon nap and saw there was some debate about Alternative Awards for 2010.


My 3 nominations are –


Best Movie in a Disaster Genre 2010 -


Best movie in a Thriller Genre 2010 -


Best Movie in a Comedy Genre 2010 -


I particularly like the second movie which starts off slowly and builds to an interesting finish – as all good thrillers should do.


GrahamV *wavey*



Edited by - GrahamV on 21 Nov 2010 20:59:55


Edited by - GrahamV on 21 Nov 2010 21:00:40

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  • 5 weeks later...

Best put down from a fellow competitor...


After coming second at Loton to Mr Price I recieve my 2nd place clock award, while admiring it Richard strolls over and asks for a look. "Its the same as yours" I say "only mine says 2nd place and yours says 1st"


"No no" says Richard " I think mine is a couple of seconds faster"







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