If Microsoft made F1 engines..

[Simos]

Given the current F1/Apple thread I thought I'd update an old joke to be a bit more topical...

 

If Microsoft made F1 engines...

 

For no reason whatsoever the cars would crash twice daily. For some reason the teams all accept this as the cost of going racing.

 

Each time track modifications are carried out the teams would have to buy new engines.

 

Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre, such as a left turn, would cause the cars to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to take out and reinstall the engine.

 

Only one person could drive a car, Test drivers, Team or spare cars would require an upgrade. This costs the same as a new engine but only contains a piece of paper with a cheap hologram on it.

 

Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, faster and and easier to drive, but only 10% of teams want one because they're slightly more expensive and don't have colourful "Ecclestone Inside" stickers on the sidepod.

 

The oil, water temperature and hydraulic pressure warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light, data logging would report potential problems only if the pit team specifically ask for a report. These tasks can be automated with basic-F1 however this frequently introduces viruses which email the contents of the R&D dept to all other teams.

 

Microsoft engine dept never attend races however if problems are encountered they can be contacted at the end of a 2 hour wait on a helpline number at $1.50/min.

 

All drivers must be a standard size to fit the cars.

 

When the driver releases the launch control button at the start of the race his steering wheel read out asks "Are you sure ? (Y or N)".

 

Drivers frequently miss collecting points because the celebrating pit crew fail to save to disk before the driver reaches the podium and the whole race becomes corrupted.

 

If you get out of the car for more than 15 mins, it will lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously press start on the steering wheel, hold the refueling flap and kick the left front tyre - pit crew help may be required.

 

Purchasers of the engine package would also have to buy a fleet of support trucks from MS Trucks (a wholly owned subsidiary) even though they already have perfectly good fleets. Failure to use the trucks immediately cuts the car's performance by 50% or more. Moreover, the team would be named as part of a class action suit by the justice department into uncompetitive racing practices (although the FIA would quash the case citing "nobody has broken any rules").

 

Each time a new engine upgrade is introduced the footpedals and steering wheel controls are re-arranged. At alternate major releases, the steering wheels are replaced by joysticks and LCD touch panels even though the drivers hate them - this is in the interests of customer satisfaction.