The NHS Staff Charter

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It is the government's wish that all staff should find their work pleasurable, fulfilling and rewarding. To this end, certain measures will be implemented so that in future, patients will not interfere with the smooth running of GP surgeries, hospital departments or wards.

 

1. All patients will have short, easily pronounceable surnames to which they will respond instantly when called.

 

2. They will attend for appointments at precisely the time requested, instead of arriving half an hour early or late and then complaining if not seen instantly.

 

3. They will give a simple, clear history, making the diagnosis obvious.

 

4. All patients to be examined will be freshly bathed or showered and will weigh not more than 14 stone (89kg).

 

5. Patients may not bleed, vomit or deposit any unmentionable excrement on NHS premises.

 

6. They will be able to climb unaided on and off the examination couch and will present unequivocal physical signs.

 

7. Patients will no longer require doctors to peer into unsavoury fundamental orifices and where they fail to conform to this guideline it is acceptable to insert red hot or ice cold endoscopes into delicate areas of their anatomy.

 

8. At the conclusion of an appointment, patients will thank all staff profusely, handing round Milk Tray (or preferably, more expensive sweatmeats), bow low and walk out backwards smiling all the while.

 

9. Patients will consider themselves cured at their first attendance and will not be permitted to return with similar symptoms for a period of at least two years.

 

10. To ensure the smooth implementation of this Charter it is proposed that additional staff, trained to educate patients in their new responsibilities will be recruited.

 

Inevitably, there will be some small hiccups at first but if it is anticipated that these will be easily resolved by the free and liberal distribution of gripe water, a sample of which is enclosed in this document.